Young children may not be able to put their questions or feelings into words. However, silence and behavior are forms of communication. A baseline principle that might be helpful to keep in mind as you think and talk about this in your families is that there is no such thing as non-communication. We are always communicating whether in words, behavior or silence. Have you ever heard the phrase, “silence is a powerful statement?” Even not saying something verbally can be making a powerful point. Along these same lines, babies, children and adults are communicating all the time. We just need to learn how to be sensitive to the message. But the important message here is that there might actually be a message that warrants attention.
Some Behaviors to Look for In Young Children
- Increased restlessness at bedtime or naptime: Bedtime for children can be a time when many fears creep into their thoughts. They can also come up in the form of nightmares. For young children, nightmares of monsters, loss and separation, can be a way of expressing what they can’t quite come to terms with, or what they are afraid of. Toddlers for example, might be very unnerved with a bad dream, and need the comfort of a parent or trusted caretaker to fall back asleep, because the lines between dreams and reality are still a little blurry. Do you remember what it felt like to wake up in the middle of a bad dream? It is likely you realized quickly where you were, and that it was a dream, and then hopefully you fell back asleep. Children struggle with this, because they still need their parent(s) for comfort and reality testing.
- Fussiness or tantrums: Children at very young ages can become fussy and have more tantrums. It can be their way of telling you of their distress, that they are nervous too, and that they need you to help them calm down.
- Themes of sadness and loss in drawings and pretend play.
Some Behaviors to Look for In Older Children at Home and at School
Children might be:
- Withdrawn;
- Distractible;
- Angry; or
- Sad.
You may find that they are:
- Demonstrating poor school performance, or seeming less motivated in general;
- Less social and having more conflicts with peers;
- Refusing to go to school, resulting in absenteeism;
- Conveying physical complaints: stomach aches, headaches etc; or
- Having sleep problems and nightmares.
All of these behaviors are examples of ways that children communicate that they are stressed and perhaps overwhelmed. When parents can address their children’s stress, it can help them be calm and their behavior can improve.
What to Look for In Teenagers
Teenagers may feel the burden of increasing responsibilities. They may feel not yet ready or able to take on parental roles and responsibilities. Sometimes when people feel afraid or overwhelmed it is expressed as anger. It may be too difficult for them to feel sad and afraid. Anger can help people feel strong and empowered. It is important to recognize that when teenagers are angry the root is often fear, or sadness.
Parents should also look for changes in their teenager. Are there big changes in how their teenager behaved at home or performed at school? These changes may be a sign that the teenager is stressed and something needs to be addressed.