Stress about deportation affects everyone. Even if your family is not facing the threat of deportation, you may be living in a community where others are. Your children may be affected by what is happening to other children around them, many of whom may be their friends. Children may be sad about friends who have left, afraid of losing more friends, and afraid that what is happening to their friends might also happen to them. It is important for you as a parent to listen and be open to what your child is feeling. It is natural to be sad and afraid at times. Having space to express feelings can help your children cope. Ignoring or bottling up feelings may seem useful in the short run, but in the long run, keeping feelings in may lead to outbursts or more negative behaviors. It is important to try to resist the tendency to bottle up feelings, and instead strive to find a safe outlet for them, like putting them into words.
Here are a few tips to help make these conversations less stressful:
- Listen attentively. A guiding principle for all conversations is to listen sensitively and thoughtfully to your child’s questions and concerns. Don’t dismiss their worry, listen to it.
- Seek an appropriate setting. When having a conversation it is important to have a quiet space, without interruptions and with adequate time, so you don’t feel pressured or rushed. Depending upon the ages of your children, it might be helpful to have all family members present.
- Be prepared. Before beginning a conversation, have a plan in mind for what would happen if your family faced deportation. It is comforting to children to feel that their parents are in control and have a plan to take care of them.
- Keep it simple. If your children have questions, it is best to answer simply. Provide enough information to address their concerns, but not too much that they would be overwhelmed. This may involve a big effort on your part, if you are feeling very overwhelmed, which is also within reason. This may also be a difficult time for you.
- Make a stress meter. As a way to gauge your family’s stress, it might be helpful for each member to make a stress meter where green is calm, yellow is slightly stressed and red is very stressed. Older children might prefer a scale of 1-10. Think of it like a speedometer on a car that goes from soft soothing colors to strong colors or 1-10. The meter could be hung on the child’s bedroom door or above the bed. You can let your child know that you will comfort them when you see the sign that they are stressed. This can help you as parent(s) by building a simple bridge that keeps you connected to your child’s experience. It may equally help them signal to you when they need your presence to feel better.